Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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