There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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