New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"