Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
