the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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