just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
