I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
