hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
