happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
