Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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