Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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