he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
