I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
