I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize