He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
