FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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