P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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