Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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