The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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