hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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