Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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