covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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