I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
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