3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I can text with my tongue
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
