Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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