I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
