who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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