I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
