i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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