This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
