Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
