I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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