some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
