this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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