Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
