omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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