dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
