Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
