i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
