My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
