i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
