she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
