I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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