Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
