Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
