Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Someone shattered a urinal.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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