u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
