Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
