she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
did i just pee glitter
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
