I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
