Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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