Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
