he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
