I just pynch a tree in the face
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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