whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
