No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
