it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
