You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
